Of Nights Of Smeared Minds

Something obnoxiously shocking struck me while watching Birth. I am not of what I am capable of.

Reality is a nightmare. And I've been having nightmares about reality for the past week.


#1

Suddenly I was in a carnival. Subconsciously gliding through the packs of people in my consciousness. There's so many familiar faces. Of those who've passed and those from the past. We laughed and laughed. But the company of the ones I'm with at present is nowhere near and something told me they're somewhere far. I got asphyxiated. At a drop of a hat I felt like everything's collapsing into a black dot. My screaming was deafening but it was to no avail. I died.


#2

I was pushing myself off a cliff. In an instant I lost all sense of reason, plunged into the ridge feeling guilty of self-treason. I woke up in the desert feeling nauseous and wishing. Wishing it was real. Wishing it is.


#3

A friend was being chased by some serial butcher in an old abandoned barn somewhere in the Mid West. I tried to keep up with him but every time I do so I ended up trailing behind the butcher, like an accomplice as he did nothing when he saw me. Seeing the open window, I tried my best to knock the living hell out of him but every time I do so I was back to square one. Trying to keep up. It ended up with me being murdered. By both.


#4

Sitting on an empty bench in a busy mall. First it was this sobbing kid, about 5 or so, came up and sit right next. We talked. Mostly about him. Trying to ease the tension, I got him laughing in stitches in no time but something in his laughter tells me that he is not who he claimed to be. He left abruptly and said, 'time is always yours when you make them'. The bench was empty with me again. Then came this bloke who might be slightly older than me. With a tumbler in one hand and an old newspaper in the other. His manner of conduct is something to be amazed at. From his tiny, warm gestures with his hands to the way he pays attention to every single word you said. Almost child-like. He left when I was looking in the other direction. I looked up, saw this old gent waiving his cap in an odd fashion. He asked if I could accompany him on his way to the shoe store. I obliged. He did most of the talking. Wait, he was the one talking. I just nodded and wondered just how far is this shoe store? But he caught my attention when he started mentioning about meeting this particular young man, sitting alone on a bench when he was a kid. That young man made him feel better of himself and instilled a sense of fear in him that he will forever be greatful for. Fear of nothingness. Then he said he met him again when he was slightly older than my age. If the meeting didn't take place, he wouldn't be walking right now. He wouldn't be here at all. Said he saw a reason to keep on living in the young man's eyes. I was speechless. Befuddled. Bewildered. Then all of a sudden he stopped. Right where we started. At the same bench. He said my shoe's are untied. I did them, but he was gone as I got up. I slumped back on the empty bench. Alone and lonely. Suddenly everyone in the mall, as if being hypnotized, started to mutter something familiar. I ran like no tomorrow when I finally made up what they said:

"Time is always yours when you make them."




I woke up from every dream like getting out of the cinema when the credits rolled, and came across these summations:



#1 - I'm afraid of losing you, you and the rest of you.

#2 - Sometimes you just have to know when to quit even when quitting is a part of you. I am a quitter. I want to quit being one.

#3 - When there's no one waiting for you in between the mad rush of to and fro, you really are nothing in between everything and anything.

#4 - There's still no 'you' in you and me. There's still time. Yet it won't stay still.





No, nothing can be simply dignified based on those. But it did somehow change the way I see things now. For as long as it lasts, perhaps. Who could tell? Yes, You can make time and claim them yours, but you can't have them back.



I guess my life's the same.