Of Nights Of Smeared Minds

Something obnoxiously shocking struck me while watching Birth. I am not of what I am capable of.

Reality is a nightmare. And I've been having nightmares about reality for the past week.


#1

Suddenly I was in a carnival. Subconsciously gliding through the packs of people in my consciousness. There's so many familiar faces. Of those who've passed and those from the past. We laughed and laughed. But the company of the ones I'm with at present is nowhere near and something told me they're somewhere far. I got asphyxiated. At a drop of a hat I felt like everything's collapsing into a black dot. My screaming was deafening but it was to no avail. I died.


#2

I was pushing myself off a cliff. In an instant I lost all sense of reason, plunged into the ridge feeling guilty of self-treason. I woke up in the desert feeling nauseous and wishing. Wishing it was real. Wishing it is.


#3

A friend was being chased by some serial butcher in an old abandoned barn somewhere in the Mid West. I tried to keep up with him but every time I do so I ended up trailing behind the butcher, like an accomplice as he did nothing when he saw me. Seeing the open window, I tried my best to knock the living hell out of him but every time I do so I was back to square one. Trying to keep up. It ended up with me being murdered. By both.


#4

Sitting on an empty bench in a busy mall. First it was this sobbing kid, about 5 or so, came up and sit right next. We talked. Mostly about him. Trying to ease the tension, I got him laughing in stitches in no time but something in his laughter tells me that he is not who he claimed to be. He left abruptly and said, 'time is always yours when you make them'. The bench was empty with me again. Then came this bloke who might be slightly older than me. With a tumbler in one hand and an old newspaper in the other. His manner of conduct is something to be amazed at. From his tiny, warm gestures with his hands to the way he pays attention to every single word you said. Almost child-like. He left when I was looking in the other direction. I looked up, saw this old gent waiving his cap in an odd fashion. He asked if I could accompany him on his way to the shoe store. I obliged. He did most of the talking. Wait, he was the one talking. I just nodded and wondered just how far is this shoe store? But he caught my attention when he started mentioning about meeting this particular young man, sitting alone on a bench when he was a kid. That young man made him feel better of himself and instilled a sense of fear in him that he will forever be greatful for. Fear of nothingness. Then he said he met him again when he was slightly older than my age. If the meeting didn't take place, he wouldn't be walking right now. He wouldn't be here at all. Said he saw a reason to keep on living in the young man's eyes. I was speechless. Befuddled. Bewildered. Then all of a sudden he stopped. Right where we started. At the same bench. He said my shoe's are untied. I did them, but he was gone as I got up. I slumped back on the empty bench. Alone and lonely. Suddenly everyone in the mall, as if being hypnotized, started to mutter something familiar. I ran like no tomorrow when I finally made up what they said:

"Time is always yours when you make them."




I woke up from every dream like getting out of the cinema when the credits rolled, and came across these summations:



#1 - I'm afraid of losing you, you and the rest of you.

#2 - Sometimes you just have to know when to quit even when quitting is a part of you. I am a quitter. I want to quit being one.

#3 - When there's no one waiting for you in between the mad rush of to and fro, you really are nothing in between everything and anything.

#4 - There's still no 'you' in you and me. There's still time. Yet it won't stay still.





No, nothing can be simply dignified based on those. But it did somehow change the way I see things now. For as long as it lasts, perhaps. Who could tell? Yes, You can make time and claim them yours, but you can't have them back.



I guess my life's the same.

Biarlahhhh!!

My leading hesitance almost caused me a great deal. Had I chose not to go on with it, I'll be knocking on heaven's door for another chance. For another weekend.


The rumor mill has it that we're most likely to have the AIS test on Friday which is a bitch since my weekend home trip's disrupted abruptly. It's Custom Daisy's last show before they kick the bucket and I wouldn't want to be the kid who 'never experienced the excellent grittiness of Custom Daisy'. Also rocking the show is Akta Angkasa (!!!). Akak will also be there so it's good for us to 'lepas rindu'. Heh. On Wednesday night, all worries were thrown away for a fun-filled, whimsical dinner with the lecturers. An hour prior to the event, Ikmal texted me that I am to rush to his room to help them out with the closing montage. See, I don't mind favours. But who in their right mind would approve one in the 11th hour? It was sickening. Annoying to be exact. But as always, I gave in. I'm just relieved that it wasn't a filler if not a killer. Most of us lived up to the Aloha theme and I must say some of them took it a lil' bit off with donning a Bienda-like garb. It was no Anugerah Bintang Popular, girls. Everyone was happy throughout the night. The food was awesome (Thousand Islands Dressing!!), the performance was entertaining, but what made it a night for me was the photo session I had with my classmates. We took bucket loads of 'em with every possible pose. Every possible angle. Even managed to snap one with Cik Marina and our Bapak, En. Razak. We were in fact, slightly concerned with the test since there's no confirmation on where and when. Fortunately En. Zool came for the event, Afiq asked, we were ecstatic. The bar is now absent.


But why was I hesitant even after the good news?

Yes, I wanted to head home the following weekend since it's Ibu's 46th on Friday.

Yes, despite the obligatory Pre-Executive Workshop on Saturday.

Yes, going back two times in a hectic row spells 'eternal financial death row'.

Yes, I was very hesitant.


Then, after much thought and endless persuasion from Zhaf, I packed and we're back on KL's soil by Thursday evening. Nazirah gave me a call while we were snacking in Cahaya Suria. Says that she needs someone to tag along with her for a zine fest on Saturday to promote The Genuine Mind, the zine I'm writing for.


Again, I was hesitant.

Why would I be since it's my chance to finally meet her and give her surprise, belated b-day present?

Why would I be since I can finally see the fruits of my written labor?


Told her that I'll get back to the invite soon. I need to put my mind at ease. Something needs reshuffling. I still have to consider Telephony Delivery's jamming session. It's been a month since. I came to a point of deciding that I'll just sleep the weekend away and hop on the bus back to campus first thing Sunday morning.


Then a revelation surfaced while I was having supper with the boys on Friday. The zine fest and the gig are one and the same. Super.


Azhar picked me up around 4 then we headed to Adib's while waiting for Alijo and Joe. Adib and me acoustic-jammed to ol' local songs killing time while Azhar thought it'd be better to doze off on the sofa. We split after rounds of karipaps (sedappp) and iced teas. Danial told Akak told me that bands will start making noises by 6 but by the time we arrived there, it was 6:30 and it was dead silent. We headed straight to the foyer to take a peek at what's on sale. I had my eyes (and ears) on Blood On Wedding Dress' EP for the longest time, but my shoestring budget won't allow such thought. Heard their stuff on Myspace and I'm impressed enough to claim that they're Custom's successor with an extra edge. Met Nazirah. Along with JR and Kak Suraya (friendly peeps). It's kinda flattering that the column I shared with Hafeez was a centre-fold. Minutes after, I felt a vibe of a familiar silhouette. It was Pojam, and Akak (!). With no proper ventilation whatsoever, the foyer was oven-hot so we sat at the benches by the lake. I was laughing hard with Azhar about Azmir (we miss you, man) then another familiar vibe (and voice) greeted us. Bono in her purple army jacket and Anita Sarawak-ish pout. Followed her to the cafe at the back. Adib was there with Apik and Aji. Round of teh ais, then headed back to the benches, Danial was already there chatting with Akak and Pojam. They took their turn for drinks and we sorta look out the seats for them. Heh. There was barely a slight breeze and the already-increasing crowd's almost prompted me to sing "It's Getting Hot In Hereee" out loud. Then another familiar vibe ensued. It was Faiz and his wifey, Nadia. It's been ages since we met and he seemed shocked to learn that I've now a steady band and even more when Azhar sold him a copy of our demo/promo. Yeah, we sold quite a handful. Mostly from Adib. Azhar traded a copy with Acad of Deepsetjoy with their promo CD. Their live recording sounded awesome compared to their live set back at Arty Party.

By 8:30, a collective of masked, apparatus-banging dudes started the ball rolling. They're Akta Angkasa's posse and some of them were seniors in campus. I remember liking the marauding glitches that they made. If someone back in the days of Jalan Ampas would ever think of producing a post-modern horror flick, their exploits could suit the soundtrack best. I noticed Shuz from Artik quitely observing the whole set with Smek beside her. I've been wanting to talk to her in person ever since I started 'online-stalk' her last year. She has that certain 'something'. I enjoyed her writings, adored the photos she took and befuddlingly amazed at her camera collection. One single chance came blowing my way during Arty Party. I was with Syamil when they chit chatted. I just smiled. Heh. Ah well, there's always another place, another gig.

The floor stage was haphazardly scattered with various flyers and brochures from god knows where. There's even 2 print outs of Zul's final project. And not forgetting his bible-like notebook right next to his arsenal of effects. It was visually, vintage Akta Angkasa even with the absence of their signature tool, the mad-flash light bulb. Everyone knew of their rep as a hardly digestible outfit when it comes to their half hour-long sound checks but that night it was replaced by Zul's impulsive rants. Channeling his frustrations towards the band's backstabbing detractors and ignorant, unappreciative audience. It was a very brave and bold move. It took them 3 jump starts caused by; as paraphrasing Zul, 'technical fault coupled with mechanical jealousy' before the band sailed to yet another astounding set of their own calibre. Despite their ethereal, envelope-pushing sonic exploits, their strong suit really lies on the songs intelligent arrangements. And it's best to enjoy their set sitting down. Stunning. In all that audible madness, they somehow found a way to the silver lining. A way to the hearts of many. Mine included. Ever since we shared stage back in December, I'm sold on them. Never before have a song made me cry, but their closing song, Lebah Di Pujangga Shah Alam did just that. It was disturbingly melancholic, enticingly sad and at times superficially beatific. That set marked their 1st year anniversary. Here's to many, many, many more.

Next up was the moshpit prowess of Custom Daisy. Seeing Irman on 2nd guitar was a surprise indeed. Akak got all 'gedik', laughing 'malu-malu kuching' at his sight. Haha. Smek was supposed to be on vocals but then he was away somewhere so Palie of ET had to be the 'plunging midwife' for 3 songs. It was exhilirating. I didn't join in the pit, but the intensity was felt everywhere. Adib, with his sling bag, moshed with full madness. It was clear that he was having so much fun. He was laughing all the way! Ihsan was like a breathing, living drum machine. His expression was priceless: straight! I headbanged into oblivion when Ishak struck the chords to Collision Cause, my all-time favourite. Fucking suicide. Ending their last set before disbanding, they bowed out with aplomb, living a slew of imitators still looking for that right blend of chaos and brilliance only Custom Daisy knows how.

I stayed for a while for Cynic 19's slot. These Japs are heavily influenced by the Japanese Trash Revolution. Their brand sounded more rock 'n roll than trash though. But they're enjoyable nonetheless. Too bad that they played after Custom. They don't stand a chance to win the crowd's leftover energy.


Met Pa'an Kecik, Adam and his friends. They bought our demo/promo too. Heh. It was already 11 so we had to be off since our session at Rhythmix's at 12. Still, we snapped a handful of photos with the boys of Teenage Glory For The Wasted. Funny lot.


Our 2 hour session was tiring. We're still pretty much exhausted from the gig. Thank god it wasn't a waste. Since we've been receiving good reviews for a Fletcher oldie, I Sushi You My King, it's decided for it to be reshuffled and be made less redundant by not repeating any parts at all. After a few adjustments, it's a now a 2-3 minute ditty. A possible working title would be Sushh. Seems appropriate enough. Spent the rest of the hours refining the others and helping out Bob with his bass lines 'cause he missed the last session. Lepak-ed at Al-Fasilah for supper. Bumped into Acap and Reza of Grape. They were all smiles and joy since the band's recording their EP due this October. Downloaded their single and it's good stuff. Fareez is a star in the making. His voice has matured in all the right places.



So after visiting the grands and aunts the next day, off to campus, had leftovers in the room, bunked and dozed.


I was glad that I went against my will. I was glad I did it.

A weekend. End.

Taking Lives/Time

"Loved being lost. A sign of things. A sign of rebirth. A sign of everything being unearthed. And I lost my way again and again, hoping I wouldn't have to find any other but to just sit still and countdown the end of everything. I loved it. I fucking love being lost."


Well, weekends has never meant anything within the slightest degree of ecstaticness if it were to be spent here in Bote, but the recent one proved to be a sudden, much-sought breather.


Cik Marina has her way with us. Me especially. Her grade school-like approach in teaching seemed to be a winning combo when coupled with her subliminal professionalisme when dealing with important angles in the twisted reality of Taxation. That, may be the sole reason why I find it excruciating to skip her class compared to other subjetcs. It's her tongue-in-cheek gestures, her innocent slip-of-the-tongue blunders and at most of the time; her enthusiastic, Penang slang that made the 11 years gap between us closer by the second.


Yeah, yeah. That's not a weekend scenario. Just a momentary pause. Giving one credit when it's due.


I've never been good at bowling. Together with, every single sport I've played that is. But I'm good at having fun. Like everyone is, up to an extent. So on our way, a pit-stop at Petronas for gas lead me to one of the most eventful event of this year thus far. Met Ibrahim, an old chum, and a few of his (girl)friends. Things were going well 'till I found myself on the ground with one foot stuck in a mini-manhole. I did my best to keep my cool (ouch!). I did. So the boys laughed all the way to Ipoh. They had fun, that's good. So was I.


I tried my hand at snooker. The last time was 2 months ago and I sucked. Like always. Zhaf, Afiq, Mad Nor and Razi took a close 2 hours just to nail a single, miserable frame. Guess they laughed too hard it messes with their sense of balance.


So there we were at the bowling lane. 2 games, 24 frames, and who'd guess I won? 172 pins. Personal best.

Like I said, I've never been good at bowling.


It was already 2 in the A.M when Zhaf and his old bud, Apit got thier snooker round over and done with. The rest of us split hours prior. Exhausted they say. Thinking that getting pass the campus guards is even worse than; campus guards themselves, we called it a day at Apit's place in Taman Cempaka. There was some funny mojo, mumbo jumbo that botherd me and Zhaf. I finally slept soundly at 5.

Woke up at 6. The morning hadn't broken just yet. Saturday's the faculty's Family Tag. I made a promise to be there at 7:30. A promise I intend to keep.

It was pleasing to see every single one of my batch who turned up enjoying themselves. They should. It was our last Tag together. By some idiotic technical fault, we came in 2nd as Overall Runner-Ups. But at least being the champs of the traditional tug-of-war gave us something sweet to munch at.



Yes. That's that. A weekend. End.